Is it possible to overcome a bad childhood?

Great Expectations has me thinking about a lot of things but I think the biggest question in my mind is, how important are the circumstances that a child grows up in?  In other words, how accountable is someone for their choices in light of their circumstances?  Thank goodness it isn’t my job to actually judge anyone’s life but I can’t help wondering about it after reading this book. 

It seemed clear to me that Pip could have overcome the bad influences in his life but chose to succumb to them.  Magwitch didn’t really overcome his bad circumstances in terms of his own life but he did have some noble motivations and tried to do some good.  Joe and Biddy lived happy, helpful, productive lives in spite of being surrounded by bad circumstances.  Estella I wonder about – did she ever really have a choice?  Brainwashed as she was by Miss Havisham, I wonder if it was possible for her to overcome that and become a good person.  I decided, yes, she could have overcome it, though the odds were against her.

This is why.  I have a friend named Ann who had the worst childhood and teen years of anyone I’ve ever met.  Her parents severely abused her both emotionally and psychologically for years.  They told her she was dumb and convinced the public school she attended that she needed to be in the special ed class.  Her parents attended church regularly but didn’t live like Christians in any sense of the word.  They used religion as another way to psychologically terrorize their children.  As a little child, Ann tried to tell other adults what was going on and for a time she was in foster care but she always wound up back with her abusive parents.  When Ann was 16, her special ed teacher finally discovered that Ann did not have any learning disabilities.  This teacher taught Ann to read.  Ann left home that year and began supporting herself. 

Having only been taught bad, wrong, and false, Ann made a few mistakes in her young adult years that still haunt her.  She got involved with an abusive, manipulative man and just as she was getting ready to leave him, she found out she was pregnant.  She decided the right thing to do was to get married.  After a year of physical abuse, Ann left her husband.  She soon began living with a wonderful man named Steve.  They had a child together and then the custody battles over her oldest son began.  Her ex husband came from a family with lots of money and they paid to take Ann to court at least half a dozen times.  They accused her and her boyfriend of abusing the children in her home.  She lost custody of her oldest son, Tyler, and could only see him a few times a week.  Throughout this, Steve helped pay for the lawyer fees and they added 2 more children to their family.  In the midst of all this Ann began meeting with missionaries from my church.  No one ever her taught her about good, right, and true, but something in her was able to recognize it anyway.  She was introduced to a few people at church, including me, and began to benefit from the support and love of good friends. 

She decided she wanted Steve to marry her instead of just living together.  After they were married they had another baby.  The custody battle over her oldest son continued and she began to see the ill effects of her ex-husband’s influence on their son.  Her son, persuaded and manipulated by his Dad, started lying about Ann and accusing her of abuse.  He also became violent with her other children and threatened one of them with a knife his Dad had tucked into his backpack.  When Ann realized how bad things were getting she decided the only thing she could do to protect her other children was to relinquish her parental rights to her oldest son.  It was the hardest thing she’s ever done but there was no other way to stop her ex-husband from having all her children taken away.  She never sees her oldest son now and doesn’t know if she ever will again.  She hates to think of all the abuse, brainwashing, and manipulation he has to endure and wishes she had placed him for adoption instead of marrying his father. 

In spite of all this Ann is living a happy, productive, good life.  She and her husband are wonderful parents to their 4 children.  They are quick to serve others and live with integrity.  If Ann can overcome all she’s been through, I think anyone can, even Estella. 

I think we are all born with a sense of good/bad, right/wrong, true/false and that as adults we may have to relearn those lessons if they were taught badly in our youth, but once we do, there is nothing that can stop us from progressing and fulfilling our personal missions. 

I am working everyday to ensure that I am a help to my children rather than an obstacle.  And, I hope to inspire anyone coming from a bad childhood to rise above it and fulfill his or her mission.